Today I’m Numb

An early BFN came my way yesterday — for those of you not reading infertility blogs on a regular basis, that stands for big f-ing negative (pardon my french).  Hubs and I were trying to process last night but realized, there really isn’t anything to process.  It just sucks.  We’re just not pregnant.  Again.  For like the 24th time.

I’m trying to muster up something inside of me to care about my really full workday ahead.  I really need the Lord for that one.

I’m also realizing this “no” feels like the beginning of the end.  If we decide to do one more IUI it will be our last and so this time next month we will know if we’re going to have to move on to adoption or IVF.  That’s looking pretty likely.  I’m trying to have a realistic and faithful amount of hope but also am preparing myself for that next step.

Enough of that depressing rant.  I’m treating myself to a chai latte as big as my head on my way into work this morning.

.   .   .   .   .

So I stepped away from blogging to get a call from my doctor — who called me back herself, by the way — and, in the meantime, the old clinic beeped in.  Chaotic morning calling doctors’ offices, playing phone tag, and I’m actually on hold as I “speak” to get an appointment nailed down.

However, I just have to complain here for a moment.  What’s worse than having to go to work when you’re super sad to see six patients, have a meeting, and class back to back?  When your first patient comes in and immediately announces that she’s pregnant.  Yep, that’s right people.  On her first month trying.  I just prayed “Jesus, fill me.  Help me.  Help me to be what this patient needs for 50 minutes, help me to get through these 50 minutes.”  So I just did.  I survived, and I even think I was helpful to her in that time.

Taking this day one step at a time.

3 thoughts on “Today I’m Numb

  1. rebecca stevenson says:

    I am so sorry. He is enough for you, always. Lean in.
    Love you.

  2. Sorry about the negative. Hang in there girl, one step at a time.

  3. Monika says:

    I am just gutted for you. What a terrible long slog for you guys. Also, I’m totally proud of you; your first patient of that day will never know the grace and love you gave her, but I stand in awe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

families CHOOSING integration

2020 Lenten Readings

West End Presbyterian Church


An urban farm in Durham

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

Maberry Miscellanea

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

From A to Pink | A Blog by Katharine Scrivener

The life of a 30-something writer, cystic fibrosis patient + advocate, with a penchant for hoarding books.

The Infertility Voice™

An Online Hub for the Infertility Community — by the Infertility Community

Childless in Paris

struggling with infertility while dealing with the Frenchies...

Barren & Unemployed

Slightly Dramatic, Completely Honest, One Woman's Journey with Infertility

IVF male

IVF from the male POV


A great site

All These Things

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

Something Out of Nothing

From 0 sperm to a family of three

Tales of a Twin Mombie

A Jesus Loving Mommy With Some Stories to tell


Drinking all the cups of coffee. Sharing all the drops of bliss. Creator of a cozy home & mama village.


The road to conceiving a baby....enjoying food and life along the way

%d bloggers like this: