Today Is Bittersweet

The hubs and I are celebrating our fifth anniversary this weekend and, while it is mostly a very happy time, it’s also of course colored by our very real and immediate reality of infertility.  So with the anniversary come some intense reminders and feelings for me.  Feelings about needing to take an hour of our anniversary to talk through recent information and potential upcoming decisions.  Of the juxtaposed bliss of our wedding day, looking at photos considering how that 5-year-younger couple had no idea of what was ahead of them.  And the fact that now 40% of our marriage has been full of unsuccessful attempts at conceiving.  Well now that’s a depressing way of looking at it.

The morning of our actual anniversary we were driving to the beach and the words “five year plan” kept coming back to me, hauntingly.  We’d always said we’d like to be married about five years before we had children.  I laughed this weekend at our presumption that we’d get to somewhat determine that.  When we were getting married we prayed about what God might want for us in terms of that timing and the five year plan is where we landed, so it’s not as if we thought we should be completely in control.  But of course we assumed we’d have much more say in it than it turns out we actually do.  I cried and mourned that this was now officially not true and not going to happen.

But, and please forgive my cheesy song reference, the song “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts (originally by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) was playing in the fertility clinic Thursday morning as we prepared for our IUI.  It immediately took me back to our wedding day (another overwhelming moment in the fertility clinic!).  This was a song my sister had suggested we play at our reception because she thought it so well described my husband’s and my story.

Our story, our path, wasn’t a smooth, linear one by any means.  In brief, it was one where we were in love but felt it best for both of our growth to part ways.  This was immensely painful and in a lot of ways did not make sense to us or to others.  But God made it happen and He then so used the almost two years before we got back together.  We both were very different people at that point, so much more mature, now both walking with Him, more aware of who we were and what we wanted.  Looking back I can truly say that I cannot imagine us having ended up together, much less having a healthy marriage, had it not gone that way.

So the song says:
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I was comforted with, this time, a positive reminder.  That God had control over our relationship then and that I’m very much grateful — now — that He did and not us.  Let me emphasize again what a complete disaster it would have been if we had had it our way.  Disaster, I tell you.

And I was also comforted and felt very much at peace imagining that these lyrics may be ones we sing to our child one day.  That it was a broken road, we felt lost at times and blind to where we were going.  But that what felt like missteps or wrong turns at the time actually were part of the intended path.  Ultimately there was a grander plan leading us to just the children God had for us.

It so helps to remember.  How He has been faithful.  How He has redeemed my personal brokenness and Hubs’ and my shared brokenness.  How He’s orchestrating all of it and eventually it all really will be okay.  And those crooked paths, from that point someday when we do have our child, I imagine are going to look a whole lot straighter.

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3 thoughts on “Today Is Bittersweet

  1. You are a strong and amazing lady!!

  2. Rebecca Stevenson says:

    Of course I read this post and also the most recent one. I pray for you so often, asking Him on your behalf. I love that He hears us.

    …I’ve been reading the Psalms a lot lately and am learning so much. Here are two verses that I think are wonderful: “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” Psalm 68: 19. How good of Him! And this one, “May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, ‘The Lord be exalted, *who delights in the well-being of his servants*.” Psalm 35:27. I am bowled over by the thought that He would delight in *our* well-being.

    He delights in you. In your utter dependence on Him, in your love for your husband and the children He will send to you. I pray that you can rest in His delight in you today. You are so important to Him.

    Love to you, Rebecca

  3. Monika says:

    Congrats on the anniversary, you gotta celebrate the good stuff when you can! Speaking of, I am hoping to celebrate good news with you and L this month–nothing but fingers crossed here!

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