T minus two weeks until I can breathe again. Or focus on anything besides “Is there a baby in here?”
We had our third IUI this morning and I’m feeling really positively about it, but also really nervous. It seems to me that everything is going swimmingly (pun intended) this go round: I’m in a good place mentally, the procedure and all leading up to it were smooth, two good-sized follies, and we have a relaxing mini-vacation ahead this week. So I’m as hopeful as I can be about a cycle, which is both good and horrifying. As my friend Katherine once told me, sometimes it feels like “Hope is the enemy,” a saying from her own infertility support group. Kind of strange, I know, but the up and down is so very tiring. I found myself today beginning to get excited about getting to carry a biological child, but quickly began freaking out because I’m so afraid of the potential crash. After so many no’s it feels ridiculous to hope.
So I’m realizing how terrible I am at waiting. Last IUI I read two Hunger Games books in three days. I finished the third one last week and only have four more episodes of Downton Abbey. What is a girl to do!? I know, I know, I should do something holy like read a ton of Scripture. And I certainly will be doing some of that. But I am, in all honesty, looking for some great ways to distract myself these next two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty busy, but I need something both restful and distracting. What do you other infertile friends do to handle the waiting? Any book recommendations, anyone?
As far as my prayer life goes right now, it’s consisting largely of “Please, Lord.” followed by a lot more “please”-es. And I can’t deny I’ve even pulled out a “Pretty please” or two. My husband and I have laid hands on my stomach and prayed for the Lord to move to bring us a child every night for probably a year and a half now. This has been so great for us to be coming together in this hard time and continually going to the Lord with and in our need. It reminds me of our desperation and reliance on Him. But it’s also been hard at times to realize we’ve prayed and prayed and not yet gotten the answer we think the Lord wants to bring. And at this point in the game I feel like I’ve said it all and said it so many times, it’s just hard to keep speaking the same prayers over and over. I know He’s hearing me but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I know prayer is powerful and changes us as well, but often it seems pointless.
I’m beginning to think that a simple “Please, Lord” is sufficient for now and perhaps even pleasing to Him. I’ll keep wrestling with him about all the other stuff too, but my relationship with Him and His goodness to me are independent of me praying or doing just the right things or even of any of my action at all. He is the one who moves towards us. He is the actor in this story. I’m resting in these truths, knowing He is here and, as my sweet friend Rebecca is so good at reminding me of, that He longs to be kind and merciful and good to us.