Monthly Archives: August 2012

Today Begins the Waiting Game

T minus two weeks until I can breathe again.  Or focus on anything besides “Is there a baby in here?”

We had our third IUI this morning and I’m feeling really positively about it, but also really nervous.  It seems to me that everything is going swimmingly (pun intended) this go round: I’m in a good place mentally, the procedure and all leading up to it were smooth, two good-sized follies, and we have a relaxing mini-vacation ahead this week.  So I’m as hopeful as I can be about a cycle, which is both good and horrifying.  As my friend Katherine once told me, sometimes it feels like “Hope is the enemy,” a saying from her own infertility support group.  Kind of strange, I know, but the up and down is so very tiring.  I found myself today beginning to get excited about getting to carry a biological child, but quickly began freaking out because I’m so afraid of the potential crash.  After so many no’s it feels ridiculous to hope.

So I’m realizing how terrible I am at waiting.  Last IUI I read two Hunger Games books in three days.  I finished the third one last week and only have four more episodes of Downton Abbey.  What is a girl to do!?  I know, I know, I should do something holy like read a ton of Scripture.  And I certainly will be doing some of that.  But I am, in all honesty, looking for some great ways to distract myself these next two weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty busy, but I need something both restful and distracting.  What do you other infertile friends do to handle the waiting?  Any book recommendations, anyone?

As far as my prayer life goes right now, it’s consisting largely of “Please, Lord.” followed by a lot more “please”-es.  And I can’t deny I’ve even pulled out a “Pretty please” or two.  My husband and I have laid hands on my stomach and prayed for the Lord to move to bring us a child every night for probably a year and a half now.  This has been so great for us to be coming together in this hard time and continually going to the Lord with and in our need.  It reminds me of our desperation and reliance on Him.  But it’s also been hard at times to realize we’ve prayed and prayed and not yet gotten the answer we think the Lord wants to bring.  And at this point in the game I feel like I’ve said it all and said it so many times, it’s just hard to keep speaking the same prayers over and over.  I know He’s hearing me but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.  I know prayer is powerful and changes us as well, but often it seems pointless.

I’m beginning to think that a simple “Please, Lord” is sufficient for now and perhaps even pleasing to Him.  I’ll keep wrestling with him about all the other stuff too, but my relationship with Him and His goodness to me are independent of me praying or doing just the right things or even of any of my action at all.  He is the one who moves towards us.  He is the actor in this story.  I’m resting in these truths, knowing He is here and, as my sweet friend Rebecca is so good at reminding me of, that He longs to be kind and merciful and good to us.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today Will You Be Traveling with an Infant on Your Lap?

No.  Nope.  As a matter of fact I won’t.

Just a quick chime in here to say I’m still alive & kicking, just catching up on life and recovering from summer travel, which allows for very little time for oneself.  I’m not good without that.  I need it, and especially at this point in our fertility process.  No time to sort through the constant news we’re getting & having to chew on.

Today’s post title is brought to you by United Airlines check-in kiosk, which wanted to remind me, yet again, that I do not have a baby.  It stinks to be reminded of this left and right!!

However, I will say that as my husband and I raced to catch the tram over the weekend in O’Hare and saw the family with a loaded down stroller and triple the luggage because of their baby, I was able to look at hubs and comment on my gratitude — just this once — that we weren’t in that situation.  Silver lining for the day found.

Today A Reblog For You

An Open Letter to My Pregnant Facebook Friends (ThroughTheArdennes Blog)

An interesting post on a blog I follow from yesterday, also coincidentally about Facebook!  I concur with what she says, hoping for a little more sensitivity in the online realm about the gripes of pregnancy.  I will say, though, she is a better woman than I because I’m not yet at the point where I’m going to baby showers, but maybe one day.  Enjoy, and follow her amazing blog!

Tagged , , ,

Today Could I Be Maturing?

Or numb.  I’m not sure which.

Maybe both, or maybe it’s just a good day.  Or maybe I’ve just gotten accustomed to torturing myself.  Wow, that’s a lot of doubt right there.  But what I’m getting at is, I think I’m getting used to the fact that everyone is having a baby.  (I will not apologize for the exaggeration.)

I used to almost take it personally, as if there were a finite number of babies out there that all couples of child-bearing age were competing for.  If Couple A wins the baby lottery, then I’ve got to stand in the queue for the next one to become available.  And where am I on the waiting list again, God?  I’ve struggled very much the past two years with what I call my “metric,” my super unfair, self-righteous standard with which I would subconsciously and automatically judge whether someone who is pregnant before me should be.  Yikes, I’m really confessing that on the internet.  But it’s true.  The criteria were: length of relationship, length of marriage, age of couple, healthiness of marriage, had the woman had a career, etc..  I know, so judgmental.  I’ve done everything right!  I should have a baby before them!  It’s something I started to notice over time as I would be so deeply envious hearing of others’ “good news.”  Not easy to see such junk in your heart.

My experience of (in)fertility has opened my eyes to just how much I think I can and should earn things in my life — even deserve.  More nasty residue of the myth of the American dream and maybe, in particular, the Christian American dream-mentality.  If I’m good enough, have my life together, work hard, know the right people, pray the right way, do just the right internet search to unearth that super effective fertility secret, then I can make a baby come to me.  When I speak it, of course it sounds absurd, but I have to admit that those beliefs reside deep within me and do shape how I’m seeing God and myself and this situation.

It’s also a hazard of pretty much having been able to get what I’ve wanted in life up until this point.   I don’t mean that in a material sense (which hasn’t been the case), but the intangibles like meeting a goal, earning an award or position, having a certain image, saving for a big purchase.  For the most part I and my friends have worked hard in school and gotten into another great school to work hard in, in order to get into another prestigious school (you can begin to see the ridiculousness of it all).  So very simply, and brattily, I’m just not used to being told “no” and not being able to work my way out of it.  And on another level, it’s similar to how many of us must acknowledge our privilege of having grown up with financial wealth, social resources and opportunities, and systemic racial advantages.  All of those things that were bestowed upon me and not earned have thrust me toward where I have gotten, and so, similarly, I must acknowledge that I cannot just work hard enough to get a “yes” with a baby.  So much of this is beyond my control, and frankly, I don’t deserve a baby!  No one does.  It is a gift and nothing else.

I distinctly remember this feeling about a year into trying to conceive of sitting down at my computer, hands on the keyboard — seriously — convinced that I could figure out just what to google to figure this out.  These “I deserve it” and “work your way out of it” mindsets are deep in there, and, thankfully, God has been confronting them in me the past two years.  I really hope it gets weeded out altogether.

But today as I glanced through Facebook — which, what the heck am I still doing on that thing anyway, and why do I get into a trance of looking at all the baby pictures on my homepage, which, might I add, comprise approximately 90% of my news feed?* — I just found myself resigned to the fact that, of course all of my friends are having babies.  It’s not personal.  It’s not because they’re making unwise decisions.  They’re not betraying me.  We’re in our early 30s now, so people will be doing that kind of thing.  I’m beginning to accept this.  I’m also beginning to accept, along with that, this sense that I am getting left behind.  Whereas before it seemed they all were just too far ahead, I’m beginning to realize that I feel like they’re on track with where I want to be but that it just isn’t happening for me.  This is sad but there’s also some peace in it.  (*Longest interjection ever.)

So I also spoke today with my dear college friend and she told me that she is pregnant.  And I, for one of the first times in this journey, truly felt just pure joy for her.  She is going to be such a great mom.  She is compassionate and creative and organized and joyful and wise, and she will totally appreciate and love on that child like he or she needs.  Sure, it reminded me of not being pregnant myself, but I felt zero bitterness toward her or her pregnancy.  I am so grateful that she hasn’t had to fight this fight and so excited to think of this little one getting such a wonderful mommy.  It made me really happy.

So maybe God’s growing me up, but at the very least He is giving me strength for today.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
2017 Lenten Readings

West End Presbyterian Church

sweetbeetcityfarm

An urban farm in Durham

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

Maberry Miscellanea

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

From A to Pink | A Blog by Katharine Scrivener

The life of a 30-something writer, cystic fibrosis patient + advocate, with a penchant for hoarding books.

The Infertility Voice™

An Online Hub for the Infertility Community — by the Infertility Community

Childless in Paris

struggling with infertility while dealing with the Frenchies...

Barren & Unemployed

Slightly Dramatic, Completely Honest, One Woman's Journey with Infertility

IVF male

IVF from the male POV

anemptywomb

A great WordPress.com site

whatisarutabaga.com/

My journey to more conscious eating.

All These Things

exploring the (in)fertility journey day-to-day

Something Out of Nothing

From 0 sperm to a family of three

Tales of a Twin Mombie

Because when you're a parent, there's always a story to tell.

Risa Kerslake Writes

Formerly Who Shot Down My Stork?

acupofbliss

Reflections on lattes, life, and love

hopefulandhungry

The road to conceiving a baby....enjoying food and life along the way

Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day

%d bloggers like this: