And by today, I mean last Wednesday. I hear you can take liberties such as these as a blogger, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. Last Wednesday night a couple hours after finding out we again were not pregnant, I was being a dutiful conception-attempter taking my vitamins and somehow — I have no clue how — some water sneaked out of my glass onto my laptop. Do you like the passive, it just happened to me language choice there? It really did! I wasn’t even doing anything stupid! A frustrating and super long day at work and hour at the Genius Bar later, I knew that split-second mishap caused $700 damage to my computer. And so, alas, I’m quite behind with my posts.
But yes, when it rains it pours. And by pours I don’t just mean water on my laptop, I mean I cry big-time. I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings so I was able to get through Thursday, but by the time Friday came around & I had my appointment with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), I had my first breakdown at the Fertility Center. I’m actually proud of myself that I lasted this long (minus the HSG when I made myself dissociate so as to not pass out when they had to start over because of my retrograde uterus!). My doctor and the nurse were so sweet to me. It really is amazing how far some good bedside manner will carry a patient. Woot woot for Jennifer and Kelley. They told me they’d thought my previous appointment with them would be the last time they’d see me and I could tell they both were really disappointed themselves that we (all) weren’t pregnant. So sweet. And in the back of my mind I’m thinking I hope they don’t blame themselves for it not working yet or if it never does.
Anyhow, this “no” was definitely the hardest to date and blame is a big theme here the last few days. I’m really fighting the urge to blame myself for not being pregnant yet. It’s so hard because there is a very real element of doing what you need to do — going to appointments, taking medication, home or doctor-facilitated “intercourse” at just the right time, and my all-time favorite, not stressing! Don’t stress! Okay!? Don’t do it! Be calm!! I of course stress about not stressing. May I now direct your attention to a much-beloved fertility internet artifact: “I Tried It: A Helpful At-a-Glance Guide to My Infertility.” This is so great. I checked 56. No joke.
But really I am finding myself wondering if I should change my diet yet again (I’ve read two books on the subject already), start acupuncture, cut back on my work hours, make myself do yoga, etcetera etcetera. What is the balance between obsessing and taking wise steps and being passive? And how does God’s sovereignty come into play here? Does He need me to spend extra time and money on acupuncture? I kind of don’t think so.
These are really tricky questions and I don’t pretend to have any answers. Of course I blame myself for the stinking 1/8th ounce of water on my computer, but really, am I honestly not going to drink water the several hours of the day I’m near my computer? There comes a point with all of these things when we just need to be realistic with ourselves and not expect perfection. Grace. Breathing it in. It’s not all on my shoulders. It’s not all in my hands. Usually that frustrates me to no end, but when I think about it from this angle — that it actually means that He is over all of these details and not me — that is an enormous comfort. So for tonight I’m just letting myself be sad and trying to take all of this in. And maybe asking my husband to tell me it’s not all my fault.